WEDNESDAY, JULY 26, 2017 | 8:00AM

Oh hello! I didn’t see you there. Welcome back. Who knew that the secret to consistent posting is just setting realistic deadlines (see last post).

So, today, I’m getting in my car and driving 11 hours from Ottawa to Scoudouc, New Brunswick. Why? Well, I have a wedding to attend; but why drive since planes exist and shit? I am deathly afraid of flying is why. Literally, afraid of death by flight. Unless I absolutely have to fly, I will drive, take the train, even hop on a Greyhound (not above it) over a silver bird. Any day. That usually means in the summer months I will just about almost always drive. In the winter, I will bite the anxiety bullet and drag my morbid hammered ass to the airport (booze always helps, ps). It’s weird because, given how “time is money” these days and everyone is “busy, busy, busy!”, I should be all over flying through the sky in a metal death-cylinder. For example, today, it would take me an hour-and-a-half to fly home. Factor in drive-time to the airport and security etc, you’re looking at 3-hours, door-to-door. Tops. And yet, I’d rather feel in control and take the long way home. Eleven straight hours, with snacks, stops whenever I feel and Supertramp.

Every time I am left no choice and have to fly somewhere, I literally act and feel like it’s my last day on earth. I drag my feet, feel the ground with my hands, tell inanimate objects I will miss them (“I will miss you, chair”, sorta thing), say my goodbyes to loved ones for the last time. I am very dramatic on those days. Dramatic and sombre. Also, why am I telling the chair I will miss it before my mother? Clearly my priorities are skewed by my blind fear.

It doesn’t help that every 14 months, a new blockbuster movie about a devastating plane crash comes out. Always smashing box-office records. I can never go see those movies because I will inevitably always picture myself smashing to the ground in one of those god forsaken things. People tell you all the time, you’re at a higher risk of crashing in your car than a plane. Plane crashes almost never happen. Now here, enjoy this “Mayday” marathon on Discovery Channel.

The car is idling, gotta go!

Julien